


Those Who Can't Do, Teach.

by queenofcats



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Gen, Jean Being An Asshole, bread dildos, my attempt at being funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-24 13:32:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7510273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenofcats/pseuds/queenofcats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Veteran Trio give the 104th boys a talk about the benefits of gay sex, with the help of some brilliant demonstrations from the Commander and Captain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Those Who Can't Do, Teach.

**Author's Note:**

> This is me trying to write something humorous, and failing. I've noticed, when I try to make things vaguely funny, the characters end up really ooc. Oh well.

"Good afternoon, young men." 

Jean rolled his eyes. "Why's the Commander such an old fart?" he whispers to Connie, who laughs. 

"I don't know, man." he replies, shaking his head with a wide grin. "I don't know. But he acts like he's older than Pixis."

The Commander is stood at the front of the mess hall. They've all helped to rearrange the tables and chairs so it's more private, more like the circle time that Jean remembers from his school days. Apparently they're here to discuss something of the utmost importance, but the girls are not allowed to listen. 

Jean wonders if this is like that one time Captain Levi tried to have 'the talk' with them. 

"I'm here to talk to you all about something that concerns life and death, essentially." the Commander says, and all the boys turn to pay full attention to him. He sounds very serious, and both Squad Leader Hange and Captain Levi look equally grim. 

"We've received reports of boys... having sexual relations with girls." the Commander says, and Jean swears he can see a hint of embarrassment on his usually stony face. 

A few laughs can be heard, mainly Connie's, but they quieten down when Captain Levi gives the whole group a death glare. Sometimes Jean thinks that he could kill all the Titans with that look.

"It wouldn't usually be a problem," the Commander continues, "but as things stand, we don't have the resources to prevent... accidents from happening."

The boys in the group look confused for a moment, before the Commander clarifies.

"Pregnancy." he says. "We can't prevent it, and we also don't have the time to administer emergency abortions. Nor would I recommend putting any of your female comrades through such things."

"Oh man," Connie whispers. "They're gonna tell us to jack off more, aren't they?" 

Jean flushes. He doesn't want to hear that coming from the Commander's mouth, not at all. He'd say it like an embarrassing dad, wouldn't he?

"I fucking hope not." he eventually replies. 

"However, we understand at your age, there are certain things some of you feel the urge to do, which is why we have an alternative. One which Captain Levi will talk to you about." the Commander says, taking a seat to allow his Captain to take the floor.

"Afternoon, kids." Captain Levi grunts, looking just as uncomfortable as the boys sitting down. Jean bites his lip. This is going to be exactly like the time he tried to give them 'the talk'. 

"Afternoon, Captain." Eren replies, although he's the only person to do so. Jean rolls his eyes again. Eren's stupid hero-worshipping crush on the Captain is ridiculous. 

Levi frowns for a moment, before continuing. "Anyway, like Erwin said, there's an alternative to fucking girls. You can fuck boys. It's pretty damn enjoyable." There's an uncomfortable pause before he adds "I hear", which is a confirmation of what a lot of cadets already knew- Captain Levi wasn't interested in women. "Do it properly otherwise you won't be able to shit right for a while. Plus, I don't wanna have to deal with any bleeding assholes." he continued.

"Ew!" Connie whispers. "Is that how men have sex with each other? Up their asses?" 

Jean nods. "Yeah, I think so."

There's a lot of boys that seem shocked by the idea of having sex with another boy, but Levi doesn't seem to care.

"So, preparation. We've got a shit ton of lubricating oil, to make sure that our gear works properly, but you can also use it to prepare your asses for sex." Levi says, before Hange hands him a tub of it. He puts a finger into the lubricant, and coats it thoroughly. He makes a fist with his other hand. "This fist represents your asses." 

As horrified teens stare on, Captain Levi proceeds to push his lubed up finger through the small hole in the top of his fist. 

"Now," he says, "You have to make sure to go slowly, otherwise it hurts like a bitch."

He slides his finger all the way in. "Depending on how big your cocks are, you might need more than one finger." There's a sly glance towards the Commander, but Jean thinks that he might have just imagined it. 

"Like this." Levi continues. He pulls his finger out to coat it again with the lube, and a second finger. Then they get slid into the tight hole of his fist. 

"You're probably wondering why guys like being fucked. I mean, it's your ass, right? It's filthy, doesn't seem like it'd feel good. But it does. See, girls have this weird button thing inside 'em, makes 'em feel good when you fuck. Guys also have one, up their asses. Called a prostate. If you hit it, you're doing it right." Levi says, sliding his fingers in and out of his fist, like he's fucking it. 

Jean is sure Eren might combust from the barely erotic display, but luckily Levi stops before too long. 

"Before you can get onto any of that, though, you need to clean your asses, 'kay?" he says. "Because if I hear of anyone with a shit covered dick, I won't be happy."

Eren puts his hand up. "Captain, sir, how do we clean our asses properly?" 

"You don't need to worry about it, Eren. I'm sure Armin will be more than happy to show you." Poor Armin flushes bright red, and Jean simply chuckles. 

"I don't know what you're laughing about, Jean. I'm sure Armin will also be more than happy to show you too." Captain Levi says, his face one of complete seriousness. 

Jean is mortified. He'd never let anyone show him how to clean his ass, mainly because he had no intention of ever being fucked. 

"Anyway, now it's Hange's turn to talk to you poor idiots." Levi says. "Take it away, shit goggles."

He sits down next to the Commander, folding his arms like a sulky teenager.

Hange stands up. "Hello, everyone! Now, I know that what Captain Levi and the Commander have been saying is a little scary, but fear not! I'm here to help you feel less awkward about it all. I'll be using them to help me demonstrate, so if you two gentlemen would kindly stand up."

Both Erwin and Levi stand up, looking vaguely embarrassed. It's hard to tell with them, though.

"Alright. So, the first thing I'm gonna talk about is trust exercises." Hange grins, before looking at the Captain and the Commander. "Levi, stand on the table and allow Erwin to catch you."

As agile as a cat, Levi hops onto one of the tables, facing away from the Commander, who stands a few steps back from it. He falls backwards, and the Commander catches him in his arms. 

It's not fair, Jean thinks. They've been working together since... since before Jean was born, most likely. Of course they can do the stupid trust fall thing. Plus, Captain Levi is tiny. Even Armin would be able to catch him. 

"And now, switch positions." Hange instructs. Erwin puts Levi down, before climbing onto the table himself. Again, he faces away, and Levi stands a few paces away. Erwin falls back, and to the surprise of everyone in the room, Levi catches him easily. 

"Wow!" Eren says. "The Commander looks like he weighs nothing in Captain Levi's arms!"

Jean is impressed too. Erwin has to be at least 6 foot, and he's like a wall of muscle. Levi isn't Humanity's Strongest Soldier for nothing, though, he supposes. 

"Now, I want you all to split off into pairs. Make sure that you're paired with someone you like, though." Hange says. "Wouldn't want anyone to be injured on purpose."

Jean thinks of how satisfying it would be to drop Eren on the floor, before shaking his head. Mikasa would probably kill him if he did that. 

"Hey, dude, can I pair with you?" Connie asks. Jean nods. There's no one else, really. No one that he knows. Eren's with Armin, Reiner's with Bertholdt.

"Okay, so you wanna go first?" Connie says, flexing his arms. "I'm stronger than I look."

Jean laughs. "Nah, you go first. Get up there." 

Connie rolls his eyes, and climbs up onto the table. Jean catches him easily. He watches the other boys as they do it. Reiner catches Bertholdt like he's a princess, although Eren barely catches Armin. It's because they're a similar size, Jean knows. It's easier for him, because Connie's like half his height.

"And switch!" Hange says. Jean climbs up on the table after setting Connie down. He's nervous, because if- no, when- Connie drops him, it's gonna hurt, and it's going to be embarrassing. He falls backwards anyway, because he's seen Eren fall back onto Armin. Jean has a competitive streak where he's concerned. Surprisingly Connie manages to get him, and Jean is pretty relieved. 

Once everyone's sat back down, Hange smiles. "That wasn't so bad, was it?"

The boys all shake their heads. 

"That was an icebreaking exercise," Hange carries on, "because the next few things I'm going to get you to do are mildly embarrassing. Captain Levi, Commander, if you could show them position one, please?"

Levi climbs on top of the table again, although he lies down this time. The Commander climbs onto the table too, and cages the Captain with his arms. Levi's legs wrap around Erwin's waist, and suddenly Jean realises that they're going to be demonstrating sex positions. 

"Now, this position works when the smaller man acts as 'bottom', which is where they receive, or are penetrated." Hange explains. "So here you can see Levi is bottom, as he is being penetrated by the Commander, who is the top."

Jean catches a glance of Eren's face. He's bright red, but he also looks strangely turned on. 

"And position two, if you would." Hange says to the two men on the table.

They switch positions, Erwin becomes the bottom, and Levi becomes the top. It looks sort of awkward as they move, because of the ridiculous size difference, but it becomes apparent that they can still make it work. Levi's head is floating above Erwin's chest, but as Hange explains, it means he has better access to stimulate his nipples. 

Jean is beyond mortified watching this, though. The thought of Captain Levi, sucking and licking the Commander's nipples is something that makes him feel ultra uncomfortable. A lot of the other guys seem to be a little grossed out too, although as usual, Eren seems to be delighted. 

"Alright, boys, you can try out those positions. Pair up with someone different, this time." Hange requests. Connie rushes to work with Armin, while Eren ends up with Bertholdt. Which means Jean has the pleasure of being with Reiner. 

"Hey Kirstein." Reiner says, slapping his back. 

"Alright, Reiner." Jean replies, punching his arm. It becomes clear to Jean that if he had to pretend to fuck any of these guys first, he'd rather it be Reiner. Bertholdt is a sweating, nervous wreck. Eren seems kinda pissed. Armin is... on the verge of passing out. And Connie's laughing hysterically.

"You wanna bottom first?" Reiner asks. He helps him on to the table. 

"Sure." Jean lies down as Reiner crawls over him. He wonders briefly if he could have sex with Reiner for real. It wouldn't be bad, he supposes. He's not bad looking, and he'd probably treat him well. 

"You gotta wrap your legs around my waist." Reiner instructs. Jean does as he's told, and realises that it causes their crotches to come uncomfortably close together. 

"Shit, Reiner, you're hung like a fucking horse." Jean laughs. It's more of a nervous laugh than anything, but being in this position isn't too bad, to be quite honest. Not as embarrassing as he thought it'd be. 

"Thanks." Reiner says, with a cheeky wink. "I aim to please."

"And switch!" Hange calls. 

Reiner rolls onto the table, and Jean climbs on top of him. As he expected, his head comes just under Reiner's own.

"Dude, I know my tits are pretty, but don't get any ideas while you're down there." Reiner jokes, since Jean's eyes are glued to his impressive chest. He thinks it's unfair that Reiner's so ripped, considering he's only a year older than Jean. 

"Nah, I won't." Jean replies. 

Strong, beefy thighs wrap around Jean's narrow waist, and he frowns. "I definitely prefer the first position. It feels like you're going to break me in two." 

"But the first position means you're the one who gets fucked." Reiner says. 

"I'd rather have your dick up my ass than have you break my bones." Jean says.

"Guys, if you could sit back down." Hange says. 

They all do, and Jean finds he's sort of interested to see what other positions the Captain and Commander are going to demonstrate. Anal sex is still gross in his opinion, but he figures that when he finally gets to fuck Mikasa, he can try these positions out. 

"Okay, Levi, if you'd begin to show them position three." 

Levi moves so he's bent over a table, and Erwin moves behind him, before lifting him by the hips so his ass connects with his crotch. Jean's eyes widen as he can't help but imagine Erwin fucking the Captain over a table.

If Jean's imagining it, then he dreads to think what Eren's doing right now.

"And position four." Hange says. Erwin is the one bent over the table now, although they both have to manoeuvre a little so that his ass is the same height as Levi's crotch. 

"You can do this in places which have minimal space to fuck." Hange says. "For example, you could do it stood against a wall, if you adjust the position slightly."

"Now, get into pairs again. Make sure it's someone you've not been with yet." 

Eren gets with Reiner this time, and Connie gets with Bertholdt, which leaves Jean with Armin. 

"Jean, I'll bottom first." Armin says, clearly embarrassed by the whole thing. 

"Alright." he agrees, watching as Armin bends over the table. He walks up behind him, and keeps his crotch pressed against his ass for a moment or two. 

"I'm sorry, this is so weird, isn't it?" Armin says. Jean nods.

"Yeah, it is. But I guess it could be worse. We could be forced to do this with guys we don't know." 

"Or we could be forced to do this with the girls." Armin says. "I bet they're having to do a similar exercise somewhere."

Jean immediately thinks of Mikasa bent over a table. His cock stirs, and Armin looks behind awkwardly.

"Jean, please... Stop thinking about Mikasa." he says.

"And switch!" 

Jean bends over the table, and Armin gets behind him. "Ah, this is way more comfortable." Jean sighs. He feels like he could fall asleep.

"You wait till you've got a cock rammed up your ass that's thicker than your wrist and longer than your foot. Then tell me that this is comfortable." Captain Levi says, making Jean jump.

"Sorry, sir!" Jean yelps, like an absolute idiot. "I just meant-"

"I know." Levi replies, smirking slightly. He was joking, it seems.

The next position that's shown to the boys is one which really mentally scars Jean.

It involves Commander Erwin lying down on the table, while Levi sits on top of him, apparently his cock is meant to be up his ass. 

"Now, Levi will demonstrate how this works exactly." Hange declares. The Captain begins to use his thighs to push himself up and down.

"He's basically fucking himself on the Commander's cock." Connie says quietly. "How lazy is that?" 

Jean thinks that being the top in that position would be quite good, really. You just have to lie there and do nothing. 

"And Erwin, if you would." Hange says. Erwin reaches up and puts one hand on Levi's chest, and the other on his crotch. "The top has easier access to the bottom's cock and chest, which allows him to get him off easier, and bring him to climax. I recommend this position if one of you is tired or injured."

"It's fucking messy, though." Levi says. "You've gotta be ready to clean up the top's chest, unless he has a tissue to collect your cum with." 

"Position six." Hange smiles. 

They switch places, with Levi lying down, and Erwin sitting on top of him. His thighs look like Reiner's, in the sense he could probably crack someone's skull with them. Jean guesses that if Erwin does have sex, he'd probably do it like this all the time, just to show off how strong his thighs are. 

Jean ends up paired with Bertholdt for this one, and both are silent because of how awkward it is. That's why it's so mentally scarring. Not only did he have to watch it, he has to do it, and it's not fun at all. 

Position seven and eight are by far the worst out of all the anal sex positions, though. Seven sees Erwin sitting down on a chair, and then Levi sitting on top of him. Apparently, the bottom can face out or in depending on how intimate you want it to be, but... Levi looks like a kid sitting on his dad's knee. Jean feels ultra uncomfortable watching it, especially when Erwin begins to lift him up and down as though they're fucking. 

For position eight, Levi is the one who sits on the chair, and because Erwin is a lot larger, he then uses the power of his thighs to demonstrate how one would go about fucking themselves on a cock in this position. It makes Jean feel a little queasy, because again, the height difference makes it seem like a father and son. 

But that's not the worst part. It's the fact that Jean is paired with Eren. 

"Hey Jean. Can you bottom first?" Eren asks, and Jean immediately guesses it's because he wants to imagine he's fucking Captain Levi. 

"Sure, whatever." he agrees, a little sulkily. He doesn't want to have to pretend he's having sex with Eren, of all the people in the whole entire world. He'd rather do it with Captain Levi, if he's honest. 

He sits down on Eren's lap, facing outwards because he doesn't want to see his smug face. He feels his hot hands gripping his waist as he attempts to lift him up and down, but Jean makes himself more solid, so Eren has no hope of lifting him. 

"Oh man. Jean, you're way too heavy for me to lift. You're gonna have to move yourself." Eren says. Jean folds his arms and pushes himself up and down, slowly to show he's not enjoying himself.

They sit in silence, Jean moving up and down like an idiot until Hange tells everyone to switch. Eren then sits on top of him, facing him unfortunately, and waits for Jean to lift him up and down.

"Nah, you can move yourself. I'm not gonna touch you." he says.

Eren frowns. "Why're you such an asshole, horseface?" 

Jean shrugs. 

Eren then moves himself up and down, acting as though he's actually enjoying himself. It's probably because he's imagining that Jean is Levi. 

Hange then tells them that this next section won't require any audience participation, instead, they'd simply have to watch. 

"We're going to show you alternatives to anal sex. Firstly, mutual masturbation."

Erwin stands with his harness on, only there's a piece of bread that's cut out to look like a penis, probably. If it's accurate to his actual cock, Jean feels sorry for anyone who's ever had sex with him. He wonders if any of them are still alive, to be quite honest. That dick could kill.

Levi joins him, with a piece of bread stuck in his own harness. It's quite small, which Jean didn't expect. Captain Levi seems the sort of guy to have a big dick, but... maybe not. It's proportional, at least. 

He sits down on a table, and Erwin proceeds to pretend to jack him off, while doing the same to him. It's like a dead body, in the way it's ultra horrific, but Jean can't look away from it. 

"Intercrural sex." Hange says, and Levi stands, squeezing his legs around the piece of bread that Erwin has shoved between the tops of his thighs. He then thrusts, like he's fucking him. Levi then returns the favour, and all Jean can think of is that he needs to look away, but he can't for some reason. 

Hange grins. "Oral sex." 

Levi then kneels, and takes the bread from Erwin's harness in his mouth. Jean has to look away from his superiors simulating a blow job. It's gross, really gross, especially because Levi seems to be quite experienced, and oh god he's hollowing out his cheeks and everything. His hands have even come to touch the base of the bread, the parts he can't get into his mouth.

At least Eren has plenty of material for his wank bank. 

Once Levi pulls away, Erwin kneels and waits for his Captain to stand up. He then does the same, sucking on his bread like it's his dick. He can take it all the way in, so his hands cup Levi's ass, squeezing slightly. 

Jean literally closes his eyes because he can't take it any more. He doesn't need to see this, not at all. By now, he's sure that Erwin and Levi have probably done all this in real life, no bread dildos needed. It makes him feel sick, that he's having to watch it.

"Jean, we've finished." Hange declares. "You can open your eyes now." 

He does so, embarrassed that everyone has picked up on it.

"What's wrong?" Connie asks, whispering.

"I can't watch them do this anymore. It's disgusting." Jean replies.

"Alright then. You're all dismissed." Captain Levi says. He looks disgusted at Jean, though, and he imagines there'll be some sort of punishment for him.

"Such a shame. Rimming  was going to be the last thing we showed them..." Hange says, watching the boys leave and then following them out.

\--

Later that night, while Jean's trying to clean every single corridor- the punishment that Levi gave him- he's sure he can hear noises coming from the Commander's office, noises that sound suspiciously sexual. He's just hearing things, though. Right?

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Any mistakes are my own, blah blah blah.  
> Anyway, this is one of my birthday presents for you, Jenn, so if you're reading this, I can completely understand if you doubt my writing abilities in future. Lol.


End file.
